New England Dicks Whine About Tix
So, like, sorry for the absence. Once football season started, I've had to lay low to avoid all these ARROGANT ASSHOLES who do nothing but talk about the motherfucking Patriots all goddamned day. Dudes, no one outside of a 20-mile radius of "New England" gives a shit! And for that matter, no one outside of a 20-mile radius of "New England" finds a "lobster roll" remotely appetizing. So please, New Englanders, shove them up your collective ass.
This morning -- a day before a big Patriots playoff game -- I treaded very carefully reading the newspaper. The Sports section was very carefully extricated from the Globe and discarded before any headlines such as "We're the Greatest Team Ever" had a chance to burn my eyes. But in the seemingly safe Op-Ed pages, I found this:
(copied and pasted without permission from the 1/13/07 Boston Globe; Come and get me, assholes.)
San Diego hicks hog tix
NEW ENGLANDERS should not anguish over the petty policy of the San Diego Chargers, who are trying to prevent anyone not from Southern California from buying tickets for tomorrow's playoff game against the Patriots. Not only does the Chargers' attempt to discriminate against a few hundred Pats fans betray a craven attitude, it also illuminates a cultural difference between the provincialism of Lotusland and the cosmopolitanism of our enlightened Northeast.
It would be refreshing if the Chargers confessed all their reasons for restricting the 1,000 tickets put on sale Monday to local yokels. The given reason was that San Diego hopes to crank up its home-field advantage to the dimensions of a Nuremberg rally. But it is obvious to anyone who has followed the Patriots in the golden era of quarterback Tom Brady and Coach Bill Belichick that opponents like the Chargers need to seek even the tiniest edge if they hope to compensate for what may fairly be called an intelligence deficit.
No fair-minded judge of gridiron talent would deny that the players on the San Diego roster possess impressive physical skills. They count among their standouts the best running back in all of football, LaDanian Tomlinson, as well as the NFL's leader in quarterback sacks, Shawne Merriman, and the gifted tight end, Antonio Gates. But when it comes to strategy and game-day tactics, this Pats-Chargers matchup is the pigskin equivalent of a contest pitting George Custer against Sun Tzu, the great Chinese sage on the art of war.
Every person in the San Diego organization, from the coaches down to the suits who set the discriminatory ticket policy, has to be feeling that awful tightening in the throat that comes before a playoff game against Belichick and his studious athletes. Like the rest of the league, they have watched Belichick's disguised defensive schemes confuse even the impeccable Peyton Manning to the point of sputtering exasperation. They have seen how, in the Super Bowl of 2002, the New Englanders unraveled the fabled offensive machine of the St. Louis Rams, who until that fateful game had been known as the Greatest Show on Turf.
So there is a certain Southern California logic in the Chargers' effort to exclude Northeastern sophisticates from their stadium. Like some of the superstitious cultists who have long dwelt in that sun-dulled clime, executives in the San Diego front office may have felt they could not pass up a chance to surround their gridders solely with true believers who, by communing with the players on the field, could somehow enable them to decode the Patriots' shifting alignments. Or maybe those execs were simply afraid some wily New Englander would empty the stadium of Charger fans by shouting, "Surf's up!"
--------------------------------------------I suppose I don't have much more to add other than, WHAT A BUNCH OF ARROGANT ASSHOLES! FUCK THE PATRIOTS!
posted by Commissioner Johnston @ 8:44 AM
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